Author Archives: Robert Phillips

About Robert Phillips

Robert Phillips is a Miami lawyer still deciding what he wants to do for a living. Once a lover of Pynchon, Pinter, and any other artist whose work he barely understood, he has since "come home" to genre fiction and fandom, where he truly belongs. He focuses most of his fan-attention on his wife Elena and his three little girls, who will one day be a female president, a Pulitzer Prize winning novelist and a supermodel/astrophysicist. (He's not sure which one will be which yet.)

“Loying:” Common Misperceptions About The Practice of Law.

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atticus-finchSo, you want to know what I do for a living?

To those of you who have read my posts and feel I should keep my day job, remember that you’ve probably never seen me at my day job.  If you had, possibly you’d encourage me to keep writing. I am a lawyer: I spend my days loying.  Specifically, I’m a trial defense attorney handling personal injury cases. It’s typically auto accidents, but in my past, I’ve handled elevator-related injuries, construction site injuries, and sidewalk or business slip and fall injuries. Fed by a diet of television lawyers, many lawyers dream about practicing all … Read More… →

The Ring Around the Rosie: Nursery Rhymes & Nightmares

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  The ring 

Have you ever wondered why every child under the age of 10 is a sociopath? OK, age 20. Psychologists talk about the years kids spend consumed with themselves, the years spent acknowledging only their own needs. I’ve developed a theory about this after about two hours of moderate research. Here it is: consider what we’re putting in our kid’s heads? When we force them to turn off the television to protect them from stories like Sandy Hook, Zimmerman, and from crazy people like Adam Lanza and Antonin Scalia, what are we using to replace these disturbing images?

Here are a couple examples … Read More… →

Barney Fife, Steve Urkel and Lies A-La-Carte

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257994-michael-hastings-michael-hastings

Journalist Michael Hastings died in a one-car collision last Tuesday morning. He was by reputation an in-your-face, truth-to-power journalist who could only be described in three-word-hyphenates. He became famous after an article he wrote for Rolling Stone led to the resignation of the general in charge of the US Afghanistan operation, General Stanley McChrystal. Hastings spoke about the government’s “war on journalism,” about governmental attempts to cover up and manipulate the press, but his death may stand more for the death of accuracy in journalism. Although his focus was the government and the military—he was apparently working on a … Read More… →

Never Seeing No one Nice Again.

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me angry I was a kid in man clothes. I was out at an expensive restaurant with a girlfriend and her parents. The night was long, the conversation dull, and I felt like a frat pledge at a debutante’s ball. When we were done, just while I walked out the door, I took off my coat, balled in in my fists and hurled it into the grass…in front of my girlfriend and her parents. (I did say “kid in man clothes.”)  Her parents, in no uncertain (and not particularly polite) terms, explained to me that my maturity level was not impressing them. They were right. … Read More… →

Uncle Richie Reaches Home.

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smile 5

This past weekend, I flew back to Philly to go to the latest of the three funerals I’ve had to attend over the past few months. My paternal grandmother was the first in the series, having passed last September; a good friend of mine “went home” just before Christmas, an event I wrote about in these pages already (My Fading Accent); and this time, it was the funeral of my Uncle Richie. Frankly, with no disrespect intended, I was not very close to him, although he was a steady presence of my life. I don’t write to cremate Richie or to praise … Read More… →

Iago Defeats the Kraken: Game of Thrones and Crimes and Misdemeanors.

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how cool would that have been

Spoiler alert. If you have not yet seen Game of Thrones, stop reading this and go watch it. Whatever you’re doing—washing dishes, taking out the trash, googling exes—stop and watch it now. Oh yeah, don’t eat first.

You’re back?  The Starks took some more hits last night. In GOT world, the Starks are “the good guys.”  They’re brave, virtuous, honest, strong.  Contrast them with the Lannister’s—their greatest warrior is known as “kingslayer” for stabbing a former king in the back. The Kingslayer and his sister have a incestuous relationship so potent they can’t keep … Read More… →

Disney’s Bid for World Domination

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  disney A world domination planning session?

Walt Disney had an insidious plot astounding in its evil audacity. It was a plan for world domination so complete, it rivaled the greatest plans of Lex Luther, Ernst Blofeld or even Dr. Evil. Using an ever-expanding cast of animated characters, led by a giant, falsetto mouse, charged by a driving beat devised by a group aptly named They Might be Giants, Disney’s plan was to attack the American populace at its weakest point, its children. Capturing the hearts and souls of these impressionable children was the first and necessary step in ultimately seizing control of the minds, and … Read More… →

SCTV–The Funnier, Less Popular SNL.

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At 8:00 pm, a drug deal goes down in a poorly-lit room. There’s a knock at the door. The cops? One of the dealers opens the door, and sees it’s just another anonymous guy trying to score some drugs, except he’s on a horse, with his head too tall for the door frame.  Yes, it’s a new season of…Undercover Mountie! And at 9:00, the next show, Dan Money, is about a police detective who has to bribe everyone to get information. When a Judge in one of Dan’s cases asks the foreman of the jury, “Has the jury reached the verdict,” and the foreman says, “Well, your honor, maybe we have…and maybe we haven’t,” Dan Money is ready to pull out his wallet and tell the … Read More… →

May the 4th: Getting My Geek On

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A guy named Kirk from Enterprise Rent-A-Car left a phone message for me a few years back. The message was written on a pre-printed message form, so the first line read, “You received a call from _____ with ______.”  The person who took the message filled it in: “You received a call from Kirk with Enterprise.”  I called him back quickly and said, “So, you’re Kirk with Enterprise. I guess you’ve heard all the jokes, right?” He responded with a Shatnerian, “I. Don’t. Know. What. You. Mean.” (That’s not true.  In real life, he asked, “What jokes?”)

star-trek-vs-star-wars-infographic-kirk-darth-vader

Back in … Read More… →

Kids with Guns.

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guns for kids

In my several rewrites of this article, I’ve taken great pains to remove traces of my own emotional reaction to this issue in an effort to present an objective, fair analysis. I hope I’ve succeeded.

The National Rifle Association is a soul-less, sucking black hole of misanthropy and a national disgrace. It’s without a trace of cognitive dissonance that they argue the answer to the problem of gun violence is increased gun sales. Background check for potential gun-purchasers would infringe on our rights and also cost lives, the argument goes.

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DON’T “Reply to All”

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 130227-nathan-for-you 

Comedian Nathan Fielder engineered a prank on Twitter recently. You may have heard of it already. He asked his followers to send this text message to a parent: “Got 40 grams for $40.00.”  Then, they were to send this message to the parent right afterwards: “Sorry. Text not for you. LOL.” Fielder asked his followers to submit screen-prints of the parents’ responses. Some of the responses were hysterical, in all-caps. Some were surprisingly laid back. All were pretty funny. Here’s a site where you can read some responses: htttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/25/nathan-fielder-prank-drug-deal-tweet-parent-outrage_n_3157077.html

got-2-grams-for-40-bucks-22Read More… →

Zooey Deschanel is a Dark Skinned Male!

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 Zooey+Deschanel 

The Boston mystery has been solved. Police were searching for a “dark skinned male” last week until, after a few days, they identified him: Zooey Deschanel. That’s what you learned if you were getting your news on local channel Fox 4 in Dallas. John King from CNN reported the “dark skinned male” part, citing a government official as the source for his description. And in Dallas, a scrolling line below the Dallas anchors announced that Zooey Deschanel, star of the series “The New Girl,” the films “500 Days of Summer,” “Elf,” and other political diatribes, was the bomber. Most … Read More… →

We Shalt Not Kill Either!

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<> on April 15, 2013 in Boston, Massachusetts.

As far back as I can remember, I have argued against the death penalty, but so often over the past decade, I found my voice weaker, my stance less certain. The events in Boston yesterday reminded us all of one basic fact that will not be ignored: people suck. We’re not necessarily wrong when we tell ourselves that most people—the overwhelming majority of people–are basically good, even if a few exceptions so often demand our attention. But those exceptions at times open fire on parents carrying infants, putting 5 bullets in an … Read More… →

A Not-Love Letter to New York

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new york and philly

I grew up near Philadelphia, the birth place of the nation, the 5th largest city in the country, with a vibrant and still growing culinary, arts and theatre culture. But to a typical New Yorker, Philly is still New York’s largest suburb.  That attitude led me to jealously dislike the city the way a little brother may dislike a much more successful big brother. Imagine being Don Swayze when your brother Patrick brings up “Dirty Dancing” for the millionth time.  Imagine being Fredo when your little brother says, “Who’s the Don again, big brother? You? Uhm, no, that … Read More… →

The Arguments Against Gay Marriage

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It took two days of Supreme Court hearings to prove that people still oppose gay marriage and are willing to go to great lengths to prevent it.  Two days. Granted, the two days were devoted to the constitutionality of two different laws: Proposition 8, a voter referendum in California declaring same sex marriages in that state invalid, and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, defining marriage as a man/woman union. To state the two positions in brief, proponents of gay marriage feel they are being denied equal protection under the law, denied access to the rights of married partners for health benefits, inheritance, etc., and that they are being singled out as a result of their status under a “separate but equal” theory. Opponents of … Read More… →

The Three Things Babies Don’t Want You to Know

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sophie eagle

This is Sophie, my two year old daughter, in a diner in Davie, Florida. I posted this photo on Facebook with the caption, “Go Eagles!” In an act that took me 30 seconds, I enlisted my innocent two year old into my plan to annoy as many Dolphin fans as possible. Raising my three girls has been a pleasure not just because I find ways to express my fundamental obnoxiousness, as important as that is. It’s also a joy for all the reasons everybody talks about—unconditional mutual love, having at your constant disposal little balls of indescribable cuteness, the pride in self-perpetuation, blah blah … Read More… →

Being White and Male in South Florida.

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 In its article “Being White in Philly,” Philadelphia Magazine recently reminded us that we are not a post-racial society. Reviewers of the recent book “Lean In” by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg vigorously remind us that we are not post-gender either. I have to admit to a childish moment of resentment when I hear the reaction to the article or read these book reviews. I rebel against the perception (which may be in my mind alone) that I’m the bad guy. Am I seen as a secret racist, a card-carrying member of the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club?  Am I the villain, or worse, am I Alfalfa?

Being whiteRead More… →

Seth MacFarlane’s Only Oscar Gig: Can’t we all just lighten up?

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sad face 

Actors (either gender) are, at their best, magicians. How scary was DeNiro staring into the mirror as Travis Bickle? How sad was it when Brando as Vito Corleone momentarily broke down over the body of his murdered son, Sonny? More obscure: do you recall Melora Walters smile at the end of “Magnolia,” which contained more meaning than entire movies? Their work deserves praise, but let’s put things in perspective.  Every year, they “roll the red carpet out” for themselves. They honor themselves and their work in a gala presentation that lasts about 15 hours. The Oscars this year started two weeks ago, and I think it’s still on. Every … Read More… →

Harper High

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obama in chi (1)

For the past two weeks, “This American Life” presented stories revolving around Harper High School in Chicago. Last year, 29 kids attending Harper were shot, 8 died. 29 shot, 8 died. We all remember vividly Newtown, Ct, the Aurora theatre murders, even Columbine so many years ago. Harper represents a more gradual mass murder, and one that deserves more attention that it will likely get. Honor student Hadiyah Pendleton made news by being gunned down a few weeks after the presidential inauguration she attended. But the news died down.  I suspect no one will hear about Harper after TAL moves on … Read More… →

My Fading Accent

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This December, a week before Christmas vacation, I flew to Philly alone. As often happens during my trips north, I thought of my friend “The Kid,” Chris Poulos. I had been out of touch with The Kid. There was no falling out; we drifted apart as people do when they grow families, when they move, when their lives get more and more complicated. Every time I went home to Philly, I would always think of him. My family was big and spread out all over the region, and all the family visits demanded all our time. I would never get a … Read More… →