Walt Disney had an insidious plot astounding in its evil audacity. It was a plan for world domination so complete, it rivaled the greatest plans of Lex Luther, Ernst Blofeld or even Dr. Evil. Using an ever-expanding cast of animated characters, led by a giant, falsetto mouse, charged by a driving beat devised by a group aptly named They Might be Giants, Disney’s plan was to attack the American populace at its weakest point, its children. Capturing the hearts and souls of these impressionable children was the first and necessary step in ultimately seizing control of the minds, and more important, the wallets of people all over the world. Soon, like a cult derived from a science fiction novel, Disney’s reach spread into Florida, Los Angeles, and then Europe. A quick visit to one of its indoctrination centers referred to as “Epcot” will make it clear that the falsetto mouse’s goal is to control the farthest reaches of space itself.
As a cub reporter for mymediadiary.com, I was sent to the eastern brainwashing facilities, located outside Orlando, Florida. Dubbing itself “The Happiest Place on Earth,” its claim seemed supported by all the fixed smiles on the faces of the children who run riot over the facility. But was it truly a happy place? My assignment was to find out.
To pose as a vacationer and remain undercover, I’d hired three very small, unemployed actors to pose as my “children.” We’ll refer to these three 30-33 year old actors as “Carmen,” “Carina” and “Sophie” (for deep cover purposes, “Sophie” refused to be photographed for this article). I’d also hired an attractive native Floridian woman to pose as my wife. (I’d hoped the implausibility of myself with such an attractive woman would be overlooked in this “happy” place, and I was right. The brainwashing went deep.) My three day stay at this location truly called into question the so-called “happiness” of this facility.
First, we settled for a buffet breakfast at a place called The Swan. The food was pre-made and placed in large pots where we were to help ourselves. It was decent, this pre-made food, but the bill for it was $100.00. Here it was, the first morning, and already my wallet had been hit hard. In the course of that same meal, my two older “children” were attacked by a rabid dog.
The made it through unscathed, but soon they were attacked again, this time by some manner of creature I could not identify. Kind of a cross between a dog and a cow.
We got out in a hurry, but the assault on our wallets continued throughout the weekend. $7.00 cups of coffee. Another $100.00 buffet breakfast. A cub reporter for mymediadiary.com doesn’t make enough to stay at this Disney World.
But that wasn’t the worst of it. The converts, the true believers, they were all there en masse. Shuffling though the various “parks,” waiting hours in line, pushing others aside like unfeeling zombies smelling living meat. Once, during a parade, my partner for the weekend “Elena” was nearly pushed to the ground by a woman grinding past her, causing my partner to yell one of the most explosive retorts I’ve ever hear her utter, “That was rude!” (For the record, my response would have been @#*$ ) &@ =(*#w p# @&(@&!!! But I come from a different side of the street.)
They tried their best with me, plying me with non-alcoholic brew in a party like setting to wear down my natural defenses. But I’m made of stronger stuff.
But to my horror, the indoctrination took the minds of two of my assistants, Carmen and Carina, who fell under the sway of the mouse and his sidekick, “Minnie.”
So parents, keep your children away from these vile training facilities. Even as they captured the souls of my two assistants, who will now require several visits a year to appease them, the mouse and his cruel henchman will capture yours as well.